Living with OCD, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

I decided to write about something I've been dealing with since I was about 12 years old. OCD. Although, at the time, I had no idea what in the world was wrong with me. I can remember doing things like counting tile and windows, having to repeat the "exact" same prayer each night and feeling like I had to do something a certain number of times. I kept all of these things to myself, it was my secret. At such a young age, I thought there really was something wrong with me, I was just too scard to tell I guess. Once I got older and realized that what was wrong with me was an actual "condition" I was so realived! The worst thing about OCD is that it wears you out, exhausts you. It makes your brain so tired.

This website http://helpguide.org/mental/obsessive_compulsive_disorder_ocd.htm goes into detail about exactly what OCD is. It states that "Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder characterized by uncontrollable, unwanted thoughts and repetitive, ritualized behaviors you feel compelled to perform. If you have OCD, you probably recognize that your obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors are irrational – but even so, you feel unable to resist them and break free." They couldn't have worded it better. Especially the part where you feel unable to resist the urges and break free.

Most people with obsessive-compulsive disorder fall into one of the following categories:

Washers are afraid of contamination. They usually have cleaning or hand-washing compulsions.
Checkers repeatedly check things (oven turned off, door locked, etc.) that they associate with harm or danger.

Doubters and sinners are afraid that if everything isn’t perfect or done just right something terrible will happen or they will be punished.

Counters and arrangers are obsessed with order and symmetry. They may have superstitions about certain numbers, colors, or arrangements.

Hoarders fear that something bad will happen if they throw anything away. They compulsively hoard things that they don’t need or use.

I am ALL of the above except a washer. I'm also not a hoarder in the way it's described. I can remember a time in 7th grade, I dropped a piece of paper, I mean a SMALL piece of paper, like the little piece that comes off when you tear the paper out of a tablet. It hit the floor and I HAD to pick it up and KEEP IT. That's when it all started. Now that I'm older, I don't really have that part of it, except with clothes. I have a hard time getting rid of my kids clothes they can't wear anymore. I keep outfits that I can remember them wearing. Some of that is just natural and sentimental. But when you keep bags and bags and bags of clothes stored in your shed, it gets to be a bit much.

I'm also a checker. I feel compelled to check things several times, like making sure the doors are locked before I go to bed. I check them, then I recheck them and recheck them. This is where the counters and arrangers come in. When I recheck, I feel compelled to recheck a certain number of times. That brings me to doubters and sinners. I feel like if I don't recheck a certain number of times perhaps something bad will happen. I have the most issues with counters and arrangers and doubters and sinners. For me, numbers are a HUGE thing. My numbers are 3,7,8,11,15. Why? I have NO IDEA.

Let me list a FEW things I feel compelled to do:
(1.) When I take the trash out I MUST tie the bag up THREE times. No more, no less.
(2.). When I buy something, like milk, I MUST get the THIRD one OR at least NOT the FIRST one. EVER.
(3.) There are certain things in my house that HAVE to be a CERTAIN way.
(4.) This is the CRAZIEST one... When I see a number that's 2 digits or more, I immediatly add them together in my mind. Say I see the number 29. I immediatly think 11. Well, 11 is one of my good numbers, so all is ok. But if I see a 31, I see 4. The number 4 is not one of my good numbers. It gives me a weird feeling. Also, I add the time on a clock. If it's 12:36, I see 12. Well, when I see 12, I had to add that too because I always have to come up with the SMALLEST number. So, from 12 I get 3. The number 3 is my all time favorite and best number. I've related this before to having 3 kids. When I'm reading a book, I take note of what page I'm on. If I'm on 62, I see 8 and 8 is a good number for me.
(5.) Closing my bathroom door at night and HAVING to touch the knob THREE times.

This 1st post covers just the highlights of my OCD. I've lived with it for over 25 years. It's like "it" and I have a history. There is sooooo (notice there are 5 o's) much more to share. At times, it can really drive me crazy. It's a very weird and strange condition to have to deal with.

If anyone that's reading this can relate, please do not hesitate to speak up!!! I'd love to know I'm not alone in my strange world of numbers... (3 !!! and 3 ...'s)

until next time,
shannon