Missing Grandma

My Grandmother passed away on December 7, 2010 and I haven't been the same since. I miss her all the time, but there are times when I miss her more than others. Today is one of those times. I don't know why or what triggers it, but I'm missing her so much today. I can"t reason it out in my head or understand it at all. The yearning to call her, to hear her voice, is so strong today. Maybe I just need the comfort. She was very comforting. I can still feel how soft her skin was and how nice she always smelled. She wasn't an "old foggie" Grandma that wore weird clothes made of polyester and smelled funny. She was hip and funny and loved music. She loved to dance and sing and cut up with my friends. All of my friends always thought I was so lucky. And now, at age 37, I finally realize how lucky I was. She did have a hard time saying the words I love you, but she showed her love in so many ways. Grandma was always there. I can not remember a time when she wasn't. She taught me how to make her cornbread, over the phone of course, because she didn't like anyone in her way in her kitchen. And try as I might, I still can not make sweet tea like Grandma's! I've heard you go through steps of grief. I don't know what step I'm on. I've never gone through any anger towards God for taking her. I know she's not in pain and she's with my Grandpa and all of her family that has passed on before her. I'm glad that she's not in pain. I guess most of it is selfishness on my part. Wishing she was still here for me. To make me feel better. To be there when I call. My sister and I are both blessed that Grandma was able to see all of our children. She didn't get to spend as much time with my niece as she did my kids, but boy is my niece, Savannah, just like Grandma! I little mini-Hazel-Sadie! (Her real name is Hazel, Sadie is a nickname she went by for years.) Savannah was 5 months old to the date, when Grandma passed. Our son was 12 and our twin daughters were 8. They have many years of memories with Grandma. Savannah has one precious 4 generation picture she will be able to cherish forever. She may have some more, but that one is awesome. There are so many memories... Grandma was the first person I told I was pregnant with our son, our first child. I told her before my husband! She was the second person to know I was having twins and only because my husband was with me at the appt! Not having her here shows me just how much she was the center of my life, my superglue. She was what made everything ok. Her and my Grandpa raised both my sister and I. My sister was only 6 when my Grandpa passed away, so I guess you could say my Grandma and I raised my sister. Seeing my sister as an adult with a daughter amazes me. It's a sight to behold. Grandma would be so proud of Christine and what a wonderful mother she is. She wouldn't show it, but she would be proud. I know she'd be proud of me as well and I know she was. She'd be proud and amazed at all the grandkids and how they've all grown and how mature they are. Even Savannah at age 3 is a little adult. Christine and I are who we are today because of Grandma. Our Mom is in our lives, but Grandma is the one who molded us into the women we are today. The one who instilled the values. Grandma was the person I went to. My go-to person. My all. I never really knew this until she went away. The phrase "you don't know what you got 'til it's gone" comes to mind. I told her I loved her all the time, kissed and hugged her good-bye all the time. I was the last family member she saw. She passed away about 3 hours after I left the hospital that night. I came home, talked to my best friend Valerie on the phone while I took a bath, went to bed and had just dozed off when I got the call. At that moment, my life changed.