Missing Grandma

My Grandmother passed away on December 7, 2010 and I haven't been the same since. I miss her all the time, but there are times when I miss her more than others. Today is one of those times. I don't know why or what triggers it, but I'm missing her so much today. I can"t reason it out in my head or understand it at all. The yearning to call her, to hear her voice, is so strong today. Maybe I just need the comfort. She was very comforting. I can still feel how soft her skin was and how nice she always smelled. She wasn't an "old foggie" Grandma that wore weird clothes made of polyester and smelled funny. She was hip and funny and loved music. She loved to dance and sing and cut up with my friends. All of my friends always thought I was so lucky. And now, at age 37, I finally realize how lucky I was. She did have a hard time saying the words I love you, but she showed her love in so many ways. Grandma was always there. I can not remember a time when she wasn't. She taught me how to make her cornbread, over the phone of course, because she didn't like anyone in her way in her kitchen. And try as I might, I still can not make sweet tea like Grandma's! I've heard you go through steps of grief. I don't know what step I'm on. I've never gone through any anger towards God for taking her. I know she's not in pain and she's with my Grandpa and all of her family that has passed on before her. I'm glad that she's not in pain. I guess most of it is selfishness on my part. Wishing she was still here for me. To make me feel better. To be there when I call. My sister and I are both blessed that Grandma was able to see all of our children. She didn't get to spend as much time with my niece as she did my kids, but boy is my niece, Savannah, just like Grandma! I little mini-Hazel-Sadie! (Her real name is Hazel, Sadie is a nickname she went by for years.) Savannah was 5 months old to the date, when Grandma passed. Our son was 12 and our twin daughters were 8. They have many years of memories with Grandma. Savannah has one precious 4 generation picture she will be able to cherish forever. She may have some more, but that one is awesome. There are so many memories... Grandma was the first person I told I was pregnant with our son, our first child. I told her before my husband! She was the second person to know I was having twins and only because my husband was with me at the appt! Not having her here shows me just how much she was the center of my life, my superglue. She was what made everything ok. Her and my Grandpa raised both my sister and I. My sister was only 6 when my Grandpa passed away, so I guess you could say my Grandma and I raised my sister. Seeing my sister as an adult with a daughter amazes me. It's a sight to behold. Grandma would be so proud of Christine and what a wonderful mother she is. She wouldn't show it, but she would be proud. I know she'd be proud of me as well and I know she was. She'd be proud and amazed at all the grandkids and how they've all grown and how mature they are. Even Savannah at age 3 is a little adult. Christine and I are who we are today because of Grandma. Our Mom is in our lives, but Grandma is the one who molded us into the women we are today. The one who instilled the values. Grandma was the person I went to. My go-to person. My all. I never really knew this until she went away. The phrase "you don't know what you got 'til it's gone" comes to mind. I told her I loved her all the time, kissed and hugged her good-bye all the time. I was the last family member she saw. She passed away about 3 hours after I left the hospital that night. I came home, talked to my best friend Valerie on the phone while I took a bath, went to bed and had just dozed off when I got the call. At that moment, my life changed.

Homemade Salsa Recipe

My 1st attempt at Homemade Salsa:

12 cups chopped tomatoes (Make sure they are nice and ripe!)
3 1/2 cups chopped onions (I used Vidalia onions)
3 1/4 cups chopped bell pepper (I used 2 large green bells, you can use yellow and/or red, too.)
1 cup chopped banan peppers
6 chopped jalapeno peppers (The salsa will get spicier the longer it "marinates".)
5 shredded baby carrots (You could chop them instead.)
1/3 vinegar (I used white vinegar.)
3 tbsp sea salt (Regualr salt is ok, too, I'd just use a little less. You can also use canning salt.)
2 tsps garlic salt (Fresh garlic would be better, but I used what I had.)
1 tbsp black pepper (I think I'll leave this out next time.)
juice of 1 lime (You could also use lemon or both.)

Mix everything in a large pot and bring to a boil. Simmer for up to 30 mintues. (You want all of your veggies to be soft and tender.) I rough chopped all of my veggies and used a hand mixer to make a smoother salsa. The chunkiness is a personal preference. Store in an air tight container, I used a jar, keep in fridge up to two weeks. You can also "can" the salsa in jars to enjoy anytime, just make sure to refridgerate after opening.

rough chopped veggies

bring to a boil

what it looks like after using a hand mixer to make it smooth

*note: the salsa tastes even better after a day or two!

Living with OCD, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

I decided to write about something I've been dealing with since I was about 12 years old. OCD. Although, at the time, I had no idea what in the world was wrong with me. I can remember doing things like counting tile and windows, having to repeat the "exact" same prayer each night and feeling like I had to do something a certain number of times. I kept all of these things to myself, it was my secret. At such a young age, I thought there really was something wrong with me, I was just too scard to tell I guess. Once I got older and realized that what was wrong with me was an actual "condition" I was so realived! The worst thing about OCD is that it wears you out, exhausts you. It makes your brain so tired.

This website http://helpguide.org/mental/obsessive_compulsive_disorder_ocd.htm goes into detail about exactly what OCD is. It states that "Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder characterized by uncontrollable, unwanted thoughts and repetitive, ritualized behaviors you feel compelled to perform. If you have OCD, you probably recognize that your obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors are irrational – but even so, you feel unable to resist them and break free." They couldn't have worded it better. Especially the part where you feel unable to resist the urges and break free.

Most people with obsessive-compulsive disorder fall into one of the following categories:

Washers are afraid of contamination. They usually have cleaning or hand-washing compulsions.
Checkers repeatedly check things (oven turned off, door locked, etc.) that they associate with harm or danger.

Doubters and sinners are afraid that if everything isn’t perfect or done just right something terrible will happen or they will be punished.

Counters and arrangers are obsessed with order and symmetry. They may have superstitions about certain numbers, colors, or arrangements.

Hoarders fear that something bad will happen if they throw anything away. They compulsively hoard things that they don’t need or use.

I am ALL of the above except a washer. I'm also not a hoarder in the way it's described. I can remember a time in 7th grade, I dropped a piece of paper, I mean a SMALL piece of paper, like the little piece that comes off when you tear the paper out of a tablet. It hit the floor and I HAD to pick it up and KEEP IT. That's when it all started. Now that I'm older, I don't really have that part of it, except with clothes. I have a hard time getting rid of my kids clothes they can't wear anymore. I keep outfits that I can remember them wearing. Some of that is just natural and sentimental. But when you keep bags and bags and bags of clothes stored in your shed, it gets to be a bit much.

I'm also a checker. I feel compelled to check things several times, like making sure the doors are locked before I go to bed. I check them, then I recheck them and recheck them. This is where the counters and arrangers come in. When I recheck, I feel compelled to recheck a certain number of times. That brings me to doubters and sinners. I feel like if I don't recheck a certain number of times perhaps something bad will happen. I have the most issues with counters and arrangers and doubters and sinners. For me, numbers are a HUGE thing. My numbers are 3,7,8,11,15. Why? I have NO IDEA.

Let me list a FEW things I feel compelled to do:
(1.) When I take the trash out I MUST tie the bag up THREE times. No more, no less.
(2.). When I buy something, like milk, I MUST get the THIRD one OR at least NOT the FIRST one. EVER.
(3.) There are certain things in my house that HAVE to be a CERTAIN way.
(4.) This is the CRAZIEST one... When I see a number that's 2 digits or more, I immediatly add them together in my mind. Say I see the number 29. I immediatly think 11. Well, 11 is one of my good numbers, so all is ok. But if I see a 31, I see 4. The number 4 is not one of my good numbers. It gives me a weird feeling. Also, I add the time on a clock. If it's 12:36, I see 12. Well, when I see 12, I had to add that too because I always have to come up with the SMALLEST number. So, from 12 I get 3. The number 3 is my all time favorite and best number. I've related this before to having 3 kids. When I'm reading a book, I take note of what page I'm on. If I'm on 62, I see 8 and 8 is a good number for me.
(5.) Closing my bathroom door at night and HAVING to touch the knob THREE times.

This 1st post covers just the highlights of my OCD. I've lived with it for over 25 years. It's like "it" and I have a history. There is sooooo (notice there are 5 o's) much more to share. At times, it can really drive me crazy. It's a very weird and strange condition to have to deal with.

If anyone that's reading this can relate, please do not hesitate to speak up!!! I'd love to know I'm not alone in my strange world of numbers... (3 !!! and 3 ...'s)

until next time,
shannon